Do opposites attract?

By now I don't think it's much of a secret that I love me a good chick flick. And when it comes to the chick flick genre, I think we can all agree that The Notebook is a staple in any solid collection. Not only are Allie and Noah the cutest things to ever grace this planet, but I would probably give up my first born child if it meant that Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling were going to get back together. While that last part may be a pipe dream, Allie and Noah seemed to fare a bit better on the romantic front. Sometimes it seems kind of weird how that worked out since they came from such different walks of life. But then again, opposites attract! Or do they...

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Okay for this particular couple calling them opposites might be kind of a stretch. But hey, we've seen the straight up opposites attract concept in many a movie before (Sandy and Danny, anyone?). Unfortunately we never get to see how the kiddos in Grease turned out in order to make an accurate critique, so for now Allie and Noah will have to do. Plus, I know I'm not the only one out there who memorized almost every line in this movie, so we all remember learning that "they didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday. But in spite of their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other." 

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And that quote pretty much hits the nail on the head. "They didn't agree on much, but they did have one important thing in common." No two people are exactly alike and relationships can totally work if you disagree on the little things. But you do need to agree on some things. Does it really matter that my boyfriend absolutely hates my taste in television? As near and dear as reality tv is to my heart, I don't really care that he thinks it's the stupidest thing he's ever had the displeasure of sitting through. Although he has been a trooper, (he can actually name all the Kardashians now!) I don't really mind that he runs the other way when he sees me reach for the remote. It's definitely not a deal-breaker for me, but everyone does have their own version of deal-breakers and that's where you'll start to see some problems.

In fact, it's probably a lot more accurate to say that complementary personalities attract. Are you someone who likes to talk a lot? Then you'll probably match really well with someone who prefers to listen. Do you like to plan everything out in advance? Well then you might get along really well with someone who's a little more laid back and lets you take the reigns. I would say Allie and Noah fall more into this category. They may bicker a little bit, but they see eye to eye on the important stuff and that's what matters. It's only when it comes to true opposites that it gets a bit tricky.

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 Everyone has some core values that they will probably never budge on. Now I don't like talking in absolutes because there is an exception to every rule, but frankly in order for a relationship to last the couple needs to align on their core values. If we compromise on our central values and attitudes then the chances of the relationship being completely fulfilling are slim to none. If all you've ever wanted in life is to start a family, do you really think you could be with someone who never wants kids? It might work out for a little while, but eventually you'll probably start to feel resentment since your values don't match up.

Now don't get me wrong, compromise is a part of every relationship. Maybe it means you stop eating tuna because your partner can't stand the smell or you rotate whose family you visit on Christmas each year. But you also see compromise when it comes to more stable characteristics. You might decide that you'd be willing to give up X in a partner if it means you can have Y instead. Hugh Hefner and his playmates are a pretty great example for this. So indulge me if you will.

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Do you really think the the Playboy girls are looking at Hef thinking he's the hottest thing they've ever seen? Probably not, especially when Ryan Gosling is still out there running around. But, he can provide some pretty awesome resources (and hopefully a good personality) that seem to balance out the overall relationship equation. They're opposites on the outside, but probably not so much on the inside. Hopefully their must-haves in a partner have been completely met and they can have a long (I guess this is a relative term when you marry an 86 year old man??) and happy marriage!

Do you think opposites attract? What couples out there scream opposite to you? Let me know in the comments!

Unhealthy Relationships ft. Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag

Meet Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. They got their claim to fame by starring in MTV’s reality television show The Hills from 2006-2010. Now while The Hills certainly doesn’t constitute cinematic genius, by documenting Spencer and Heidi’s relationship it does give us a pretty clear model of what an unhealthy relationship looks like. Most viewers recognize that Spencer is a little weird, but do they see that his behavior is actually classified as abuse? Because it is.

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So let’s go over some general information about partner abuse.

Abuse may not be apparent at first. You don’t typically go out with someone for the first time and have the person reach across the table and slap you, yet there are so many relationships where there are instances of physical abuse. So how does it happen? Gradually. Most times abusers seem very loving in the beginning of the relationship. They are often very attentive, affectionate, etc. Abusive behavior appears gradually and may not ever be physical in nature. A lot of time people think that abuse is limited to physical harm or aggression but that is not true. It’s really just about gaining power and control over the other person in any way, shape, or form. (We’ll go into that later).We can see this with Spencer and Heidi. He was pretty normal in the beginning and didn’t really get weird until she was more committed to the relationship.

There is a cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse can make things very confusing for the victim and therefore it can be very difficult for them to leave the relationship. The cycle occurs as tension builds in the relationship leading to an outburst of some kind. This can take the form of a physical attack, a verbal assault, emotional abuse, threats, etc. After the outburst the abuser will try to apologize or place blame elsewhere and then the couple will enter the “honeymoon phase.” The abuser may shower the victim with gifts, be extra affectionate, and basically tries to make up for the incident. As time goes on, outbursts become more frequent and the honeymoon periods become fewer and farther between. This cycle often leaves the victim feeling like they instigated the incident because sometimes their partner really is “nice”.

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I know Spencer and Heidi have recently done a tell-all interview with E! where they explain that their ups and downs were largely exaggerated for the show. There has been speculation for years on if the show is real or fake, but one thing is for sure, Spencer's behavior follows my HDFS textbooks to a T. I'm assuming The Hills didn't hire a social scientist to walk Spencer through how to dominate his wife according to clinical models, so I'd say at least some of what we saw on T.V. was the real deal.

So why is Spencer's behavior so problematic? Allow me to show you.

This is the Power and Control Wheel. It’s a great tool for seeing some of the more “subtle” signs of an abusive relationship. This is where we really see Spencer Pratt come into play. The wheel does a pretty good job of describing each component of abuse, so I’m just going to focus on identifying the aspects of Spencer’s behavior that are problematic.

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Using Isolation- This is the big one with Spencer. He is constantly trying to isolate Heidi from her friends and family. He guilts her whenever she tries to hang out with Lauren or any of her other friends. In the New Years Eve episode which I was watching this morning he refers to Heidi’s friends and family as “baggage” that he has to deal with and says that he wishes they could go home but Heidi “has another boyfriend named Lauren Conrad that they need to go meet.” He also puts a ton of pressure on Heidi to move in with him very rapidly, and when she declines, he makes her feel terrible about it, and then buys the place anyway! Isolation is a big strategy for abusers because by eliminating the victim’s social network they take away resources for leaving, cause the victim to be emotionally dependent on the abuser, and eliminate people who may question the health of the relationship. A lot of people interpret this as “my partner loves me so much, they want me all to themselves!!” The truth is, once your partner tries to isolate you this is a HUGE red flag that something is not okay.

Using Economic Abuse & Using Male Privilege- These ones really go hand in hand when it comes to Heidi and Spencer buying their house. Spencer took it upon himself to buy the house that he wanted and didn’t discuss the purchase with Heidi before he bought it. By doing this he didn’t give value to her opinion and took ultimate control of the situation (male privilege) and made a HUGE financial decision behind her back (economic abuse).

Using Emotional Abuse- This is also where the guilt comes in. Spencer is the king of making Heidi feel like all the negativity that he brings to her life is her fault. If she accuses him of being unreasonable he freaks out and tells her it’s all in her head and she’s being crazy and demanding. Not sure if he intentionally tried to lower her self esteem but judging by all the surgeries she got to change her body I would assume he had something to do with her dislike of her body and her desire to be perfect.

Using Children- You may think that because Heidi and Spencer don’t have children that he can’t possibly be using their children against her. Wrong. Once Spencer and Heidi get marriage Spencer refuses to consider having children and even tries to get a vasectomy behind Heidi’s back. I would say that technically counts as “threatening to take the children away.” It also falls into the category of male privilege since he feels he has the exclusive right to make their reproductive decisions.

Using Intimidation & Using Coercion and Threats- I personally don’t see a lot of evidence of these in Spencer and Heidi’s relationship. However, whether they were occurring in private, or not at all, doesn't change the fact that Heidi and Spencer's relationship is considered extremely unhealthy. If your partner uses ANY of these strategies in attempts to control you, that is enough for the relationship to considered problematic and possibly dangerous (things usually escalate!)

Resources for anyone who is being affected by domestic abuse

http://www.thehotline.org/

http://www.womenslaw.org/

Playing Hard to Get??

We've all heard it before haven't we? We've seen it in movies, heard it in advice from our friends-- if you want a guy to like you, you need to play hard to get! Play the field, make him jealous, he'll want you more than ever.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret about how you correctly play hard to get-- you don't.

Let's look at a case study, shall we? This is Gigi. She's one of the main characters in the rom com He's Just Not That Into You. (side note: If you haven't seen this movie please stop what you are doing and watch it right this second because it's one of my faves! It also plays every five minutes on the E! Network so finding it should be a piece of cake.)

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But anyways, back to Gigi... She's nice, friendly, cute, quirky, hasn't had the best luck with guys so far. She's a girl that most of us can related to. So what is the source of all these relationship woes? Well, for most of the movie it seems like she's "too available." She's trying to meet guys and she wants them to like her (and based on the brief relationship history we get from her regarding her tendency to cyber stalk and exaggerate relationships to her dental hygienist, the girl falls in love pretty quickly.)

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So let's fast-forward 25 minutes into the movie. Gigi meets Alex who gives her some dating advice that roughly translates to "stop trying so hard and guys will chase you." At which point (despite my overall affection for this film) I sit there and cringe; because if my Intro to Intimate Relationships class taught me anything, it was that that's the biggest load of bull I've ever heard.

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So then we see Gigi following Alex's advice. She meets a guy she likes, gives him her number, and then waits for him to call. Now I know that nowadays people rarely camp out for hours next their landline, but this concept has certainly evolved alongside technology and we see the same thing with texting.

I can't text him first! That's too aggressive, he might actually think I like him! 

Well isn't that the point?!

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Think about it for a sec. You meet a guy, you give him your number, and you wait for him to text you. Then it's so exciting when you finally hear from him! If feels good to be liked and now you get to gush over him with your girlfriends and analyze his every word (we all do it, don't lie). 

 Perhaps you text throughout the day, but then tomorrow comes and you haven't heard from him. What do you do?! I know most of my friends would compulsively check their phone but avoid starting a conversation and seeming too eager. 

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But remember how awesome you felt yesterday when he texted you? Don't you think he wants to feel that same excitement? Don't you think he'd be ecstatic to receive some text messages from a cute girl!?

Answer: he would.

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So back to Gigi. SPOILER ALERT: In classic romantic comedy tradition, Gigi falls for Alex, who doesn't fall for her. So she cuts her losses and moves on. BUT WAIT, now that she's not so outwardly interested (playing hard to get, kind of?), Alex realizes he loves her and goes to tell her. SURPRISE (or not) she still loves him, and they get their happily ever after.

To be honest though, that's a Hollywood ending that wouldn't necessarily apply to the real world. In reality, if Gigi was clearly showing interest in another guy, Alex probably wouldn't have pursued her. I know the directors of all those 80s chick flicks would have us thinking differently, but seriously, why would you put yourself out there for someone who is obviously not interested?

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So now we're back to the whole playing hard to get thing, and the question remains-- why would a guy pursue you if you're sending him vibes that you are obviously not interested?

Answer: he won't. 

And quite frankly he shouldn't! He doesn't know that you're playing hard to get and repeated unwanted sexual advances are creepy and cross a major line.

So here is what works! 

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Be honest about your feelings and do what feels right, not what you think you "should do."

A guy isn't going to not like you because you're acting like you like him. In fact, relationship science says he'll like you more! 

Let me know in the comments if you've ever played hard to get and if it worked out, because as they say in He's Just Not That Into You, there are exceptions to every "rule!" :)