Unhealthy Relationships ft. Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag

Meet Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. They got their claim to fame by starring in MTV’s reality television show The Hills from 2006-2010. Now while The Hills certainly doesn’t constitute cinematic genius, by documenting Spencer and Heidi’s relationship it does give us a pretty clear model of what an unhealthy relationship looks like. Most viewers recognize that Spencer is a little weird, but do they see that his behavior is actually classified as abuse? Because it is.

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So let’s go over some general information about partner abuse.

Abuse may not be apparent at first. You don’t typically go out with someone for the first time and have the person reach across the table and slap you, yet there are so many relationships where there are instances of physical abuse. So how does it happen? Gradually. Most times abusers seem very loving in the beginning of the relationship. They are often very attentive, affectionate, etc. Abusive behavior appears gradually and may not ever be physical in nature. A lot of time people think that abuse is limited to physical harm or aggression but that is not true. It’s really just about gaining power and control over the other person in any way, shape, or form. (We’ll go into that later).We can see this with Spencer and Heidi. He was pretty normal in the beginning and didn’t really get weird until she was more committed to the relationship.

There is a cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse can make things very confusing for the victim and therefore it can be very difficult for them to leave the relationship. The cycle occurs as tension builds in the relationship leading to an outburst of some kind. This can take the form of a physical attack, a verbal assault, emotional abuse, threats, etc. After the outburst the abuser will try to apologize or place blame elsewhere and then the couple will enter the “honeymoon phase.” The abuser may shower the victim with gifts, be extra affectionate, and basically tries to make up for the incident. As time goes on, outbursts become more frequent and the honeymoon periods become fewer and farther between. This cycle often leaves the victim feeling like they instigated the incident because sometimes their partner really is “nice”.

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I know Spencer and Heidi have recently done a tell-all interview with E! where they explain that their ups and downs were largely exaggerated for the show. There has been speculation for years on if the show is real or fake, but one thing is for sure, Spencer's behavior follows my HDFS textbooks to a T. I'm assuming The Hills didn't hire a social scientist to walk Spencer through how to dominate his wife according to clinical models, so I'd say at least some of what we saw on T.V. was the real deal.

So why is Spencer's behavior so problematic? Allow me to show you.

This is the Power and Control Wheel. It’s a great tool for seeing some of the more “subtle” signs of an abusive relationship. This is where we really see Spencer Pratt come into play. The wheel does a pretty good job of describing each component of abuse, so I’m just going to focus on identifying the aspects of Spencer’s behavior that are problematic.

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Using Isolation- This is the big one with Spencer. He is constantly trying to isolate Heidi from her friends and family. He guilts her whenever she tries to hang out with Lauren or any of her other friends. In the New Years Eve episode which I was watching this morning he refers to Heidi’s friends and family as “baggage” that he has to deal with and says that he wishes they could go home but Heidi “has another boyfriend named Lauren Conrad that they need to go meet.” He also puts a ton of pressure on Heidi to move in with him very rapidly, and when she declines, he makes her feel terrible about it, and then buys the place anyway! Isolation is a big strategy for abusers because by eliminating the victim’s social network they take away resources for leaving, cause the victim to be emotionally dependent on the abuser, and eliminate people who may question the health of the relationship. A lot of people interpret this as “my partner loves me so much, they want me all to themselves!!” The truth is, once your partner tries to isolate you this is a HUGE red flag that something is not okay.

Using Economic Abuse & Using Male Privilege- These ones really go hand in hand when it comes to Heidi and Spencer buying their house. Spencer took it upon himself to buy the house that he wanted and didn’t discuss the purchase with Heidi before he bought it. By doing this he didn’t give value to her opinion and took ultimate control of the situation (male privilege) and made a HUGE financial decision behind her back (economic abuse).

Using Emotional Abuse- This is also where the guilt comes in. Spencer is the king of making Heidi feel like all the negativity that he brings to her life is her fault. If she accuses him of being unreasonable he freaks out and tells her it’s all in her head and she’s being crazy and demanding. Not sure if he intentionally tried to lower her self esteem but judging by all the surgeries she got to change her body I would assume he had something to do with her dislike of her body and her desire to be perfect.

Using Children- You may think that because Heidi and Spencer don’t have children that he can’t possibly be using their children against her. Wrong. Once Spencer and Heidi get marriage Spencer refuses to consider having children and even tries to get a vasectomy behind Heidi’s back. I would say that technically counts as “threatening to take the children away.” It also falls into the category of male privilege since he feels he has the exclusive right to make their reproductive decisions.

Using Intimidation & Using Coercion and Threats- I personally don’t see a lot of evidence of these in Spencer and Heidi’s relationship. However, whether they were occurring in private, or not at all, doesn't change the fact that Heidi and Spencer's relationship is considered extremely unhealthy. If your partner uses ANY of these strategies in attempts to control you, that is enough for the relationship to considered problematic and possibly dangerous (things usually escalate!)

Resources for anyone who is being affected by domestic abuse

http://www.thehotline.org/

http://www.womenslaw.org/