Playing Hard to Get??

We've all heard it before haven't we? We've seen it in movies, heard it in advice from our friends-- if you want a guy to like you, you need to play hard to get! Play the field, make him jealous, he'll want you more than ever.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret about how you correctly play hard to get-- you don't.

Let's look at a case study, shall we? This is Gigi. She's one of the main characters in the rom com He's Just Not That Into You. (side note: If you haven't seen this movie please stop what you are doing and watch it right this second because it's one of my faves! It also plays every five minutes on the E! Network so finding it should be a piece of cake.)

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But anyways, back to Gigi... She's nice, friendly, cute, quirky, hasn't had the best luck with guys so far. She's a girl that most of us can related to. So what is the source of all these relationship woes? Well, for most of the movie it seems like she's "too available." She's trying to meet guys and she wants them to like her (and based on the brief relationship history we get from her regarding her tendency to cyber stalk and exaggerate relationships to her dental hygienist, the girl falls in love pretty quickly.)

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So let's fast-forward 25 minutes into the movie. Gigi meets Alex who gives her some dating advice that roughly translates to "stop trying so hard and guys will chase you." At which point (despite my overall affection for this film) I sit there and cringe; because if my Intro to Intimate Relationships class taught me anything, it was that that's the biggest load of bull I've ever heard.

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So then we see Gigi following Alex's advice. She meets a guy she likes, gives him her number, and then waits for him to call. Now I know that nowadays people rarely camp out for hours next their landline, but this concept has certainly evolved alongside technology and we see the same thing with texting.

I can't text him first! That's too aggressive, he might actually think I like him! 

Well isn't that the point?!

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Think about it for a sec. You meet a guy, you give him your number, and you wait for him to text you. Then it's so exciting when you finally hear from him! If feels good to be liked and now you get to gush over him with your girlfriends and analyze his every word (we all do it, don't lie). 

 Perhaps you text throughout the day, but then tomorrow comes and you haven't heard from him. What do you do?! I know most of my friends would compulsively check their phone but avoid starting a conversation and seeming too eager. 

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But remember how awesome you felt yesterday when he texted you? Don't you think he wants to feel that same excitement? Don't you think he'd be ecstatic to receive some text messages from a cute girl!?

Answer: he would.

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So back to Gigi. SPOILER ALERT: In classic romantic comedy tradition, Gigi falls for Alex, who doesn't fall for her. So she cuts her losses and moves on. BUT WAIT, now that she's not so outwardly interested (playing hard to get, kind of?), Alex realizes he loves her and goes to tell her. SURPRISE (or not) she still loves him, and they get their happily ever after.

To be honest though, that's a Hollywood ending that wouldn't necessarily apply to the real world. In reality, if Gigi was clearly showing interest in another guy, Alex probably wouldn't have pursued her. I know the directors of all those 80s chick flicks would have us thinking differently, but seriously, why would you put yourself out there for someone who is obviously not interested?

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So now we're back to the whole playing hard to get thing, and the question remains-- why would a guy pursue you if you're sending him vibes that you are obviously not interested?

Answer: he won't. 

And quite frankly he shouldn't! He doesn't know that you're playing hard to get and repeated unwanted sexual advances are creepy and cross a major line.

So here is what works! 

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Be honest about your feelings and do what feels right, not what you think you "should do."

A guy isn't going to not like you because you're acting like you like him. In fact, relationship science says he'll like you more! 

Let me know in the comments if you've ever played hard to get and if it worked out, because as they say in He's Just Not That Into You, there are exceptions to every "rule!" :)